my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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