My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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