found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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