Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How does it feel to date your dad?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
