Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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