The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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