Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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