i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
