So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
