I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
