You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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