My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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