yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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