Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
