Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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