I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
