sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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