I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
