I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
