just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize