Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Let's get the cat blown out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
