The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
