I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize