and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize