just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize