FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
