dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
