I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize