Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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