my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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