and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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