U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
