see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He passed out mid-signature
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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