Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize