Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
