The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
