A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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