He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
