On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
