so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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