First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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