you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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