The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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