My liver just broke up with me...
I puked a lego.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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