I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
