You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
