Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
