im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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