life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
