i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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