Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
