We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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