Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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