I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
