Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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