I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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