o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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