Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
