it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize