We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
