Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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