it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
