Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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