I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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