genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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