if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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