Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
