If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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