I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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