I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
